Reflections by AquaLady

My youngest son just performed in his high school's spring production of Fiddler on the Roof & well, the opening song just puts my mind to wondering about so many things. I can relate so much to what the lead actor, Tevya, had to deal with in so many ways. I, too, get stubborn about doing things in a certain way & am very resistant to change. But, I guess if Tevka can pack up his family & wares & begin again, I guess we can all give it a try, too.

Now don't get me wrong. I believe that tradition is important but what I'm learning more & more is that sometimes you also have to bend a little to make things work together.

Day #5 - If life is indeed a test, is it possible to flunk? And how do we know what our 'grade point average' is...? And who really cares anyway...?

Actually, I don't think God is keeping score, otherwise, I'm quite sure I would have flunked out a LONG time ago. I think of life as the kind of test you can't fail...you keep at it. If you mess up, you say you're sorry & you try again. Sometimes it takes a whole lot of tries until you get it...but that's the beauty of life. As long as you're alive, you can try again & again & again...

I mean, just look at me. I'm constantly loosing things, misplacing things & I seem to thrive on chaos & disorganization. And yet God has entrusted ME (for whatever reason...only HE knows) with this massive responsibility to be our family's 'household manager'. Go figure...

But by far the biggest responsibility that God has entrusted to me is that of being a parent. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't mess up in this department. So, I don't think it's so much about getting it perfect as just doing the best you can with what you know & just TRYING to do better each & everyday.

If you really insist on getting a grade, take the Life Events Stress test.

And always remember: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!

How does one handle it when we get to the point where we are no longer 'THE' giver of gifts for our kids... I mean like when they were little, you bought them the cool stuff & tried to make their birthdays special but then, as they got older, we no longer fit into that role.

Its hard for me today... I thought I was ok but I still feel weird. I know in reality its not about things...its about the LOVE we give everyday. How do I tell my heart that...? I'm starting to get nuts again...

Day #4 - What you see here is NOT all there is! I firmly believe that there is a heaven & a hell & a place called purgatory somewhere in between. I truly believe that there is more to life than just the here and now.

Anyway, what I believe about getting to heaven is that salvation is a gift, freely given. You can't earn it or buy it or do a hundred good deeds so you'll get to heaven. I believe that you have to have faith in Jesus that He is the way to heaven, & that you have to accept his death, burial & resurrection but then, not only are you to accept it & believe it but you have to live your life accordingly. Its not that easy or simple though, & I kinda think, too, that that's all part of our challenge, our purpose here on earth, to live a life that will lead us to heaven.

One of the things I really need to stop doing is COMPLAINING & WHINING about stuff & living in constant fear that I'm going to mess up. Also I need to stop trying to be so in control of outcomes & just let go...!

What I need to start doing is just that...DOING! I make excuses for everything instead of just being confident with myself & my God given abilities. I need to start taking risks, trusting that God is there with me in ALL things & not to worry about stuff so much & how things will turn out.

There's probably a lot more that I should think about starting & stopping but for now, that's what seems to stick out the most.

Day #3 - In his book, Rick Warren says that "Everybody's life is driven by something." Well, I don't disagree there. I certainly agee that right now my life is driven by this overwhelming need of trying to figure out what's driving its. It also kinda feels like I'm on a merry go-round & that's exactly what I want to stop doing.

Mr. Warren offers 5 common things that drive people's lives including guilt, resentment & anger, fear, materialism & the need for approval. Of those 5, I see myself most definitely fitting into the category of being driven by fear. I tend to play it safe, avoid taking risks & fear venturing out into the great unknown. Yes, fear pretty much dictates what I do & what I say (and don't say...) & to whom & how I live my life.

I once learned that the first step to change is awareness. You can't change something if you don't know what needs to be changed, & so, with that thought in mind, I'm on this mission to find the things I need to change.

Another thing that I believe drives me is this need to find balance in my life. I'm so sick & tired of being at the extreme ends, either too perfect or too sloppy; too judgmental or too lenient; too soft-spoken or too harsh. I want to be able to relax & enjoy life...just float a bit, not sink & not have to keep swimming until I can barely move another stroke.

Finally, I believe that my faith in God is the most important thing that drives my life, for without God's help & support, I wouldn't be able to face my fears & move on. He gives me the courage & the grace to hope in new beginnings, new outcomes, new adventures... And even when things don't go smoothly & I fall, He's there to carry me over the rough spots & to help me regain my balance.

Several people have also mentioned to me that family plays a big role in what drives my life. I can't disagree there. I absolutely NEED people around me. I need family whom I can love & who love me; family who respect me & whom I can respect as well; family who care for one another & help one other to grow & development into the persons God created us all to be.

What I want most is to be is happy with God in heaven but first I need to find my place here on earth. I want to do God's will...to fulfill His purpose for creating me in the first place & I want to find the path to peace.

My cousins from Mahanoy City came to visit us for the day. Joey wanted to cook so we 'played' in the kitchen while Eric played on the computer. First we made a cake, then fudge, then bar-b-que for lunch & finally cheesecake. I know! I know! It's Lent & being the good Catholics that we are, we're really supposed to be fasting on goodies & such... but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. This was a much needed activity for both of us to break out of the winter blahs . Finally, in order to work off all the calories, we went bowling only to discover that well, ah, we're both kinda 'out of shape' & our bowling skills could certainly use some improvement. Hey, it was hard...all that getting up & down when it was our turn to bowl. Poor babies...!!!

But ya know...sometimes its good to just get away for a day & do something totally just for fun. FlyLady like to refer to Saturday's as Family Fun Day & I have to agree... I really had a lot of fun today.

I didn't panic (too much) this time. I was thinking that I needed to find a certain charge bill & that meant scouring through the desk & other places... But lo & behold, today when I picked up the mail, there was the bill & guess what else? This was NEXT month's bill...! Apparently I had already paid last month's. Yesssssssssss! I need to get organized...!

But then, too, in looking over the bill, I discovered that apparently I musta signed up in the 'on-going' Weight-Watchers plan cause they billed me for another month's worth of point-counting. I guess they don't just drop you after the initial 3 months. You probably have to tell them that you quit.

So...do I stay or do I quit? Actually I figured I had already quit so... here's another thing to add to my list of things to cancel. Shopping on the Internet is so easy & convenient these days but you really need to read the fine print...the agreement & know what you're getting yourself into.

I'm in the process of getting our financial paperwork in order being as it's that time of year again...financial aid applications & tax returns. As I was looking over last year's expenses, it become strikingly significant that we spend alot of money on phone service & hardly ever talk. So, one thing led to another, & hubby & I started to do some comparison shopping on alternative long distance plans. Then, we think we've found the perfect plan for us & it just so happens that it isn't offered in our area. Duh! Why not...? So, until I speak to a real person or get something in writing verifying the information we gathered on the net, we'll keep looking around.

Personally, I think this whole business of choosing your phone service is highly confusing. Plus, if you really don't know what you're doing, I can see how easily people can get ripped off. I guess the bottom line is to BE AWARE! Know what's out there & don't be fooled by high pressured sales pitches or offers too good to be true. Talk is NOT cheap these days...!

Day #2 -- At a conference that I once attended, the speaker was trying to make her point that each & everyone of us there was special & that God loved us in a very personal way. There were a lot of us there that time struggling with self-esteem issues & she happened to choose the example of 'only children' to make her point. Now, for those of you who don't know, I am an 'only child' so you can imagine how attentively I listened to her story.

Anyway, she pointed out that a woman has about a million eggs inside her & that in the case of 'only children', only ONE of those eggs is ever fertilized. She emphasized again & again how very special we all are in the sight of God & that in this particular case, only children are ONE in a MILLION! Now that makes us pretty special, don't you think...???

So, anyway, Rick Warren speaks to us in Day 2 also about how very special we are & I don't doubt it but I happen to know that there are a lot of folks out there that just don't believe a word of it. Now, why is that...??? I think it takes a lot more than just reading it, saying it, hearing it. Somehow, someway, you have to INTERNALIZE it. There's a saying, "Fake it til you make it" & maybe that's one way to get started. So, where was I going with this thought? Oh, yeah... so, being as I'm no accident & believing that God uniquely created me & has a purpose for my being here, then why all the fuss about knowing why on earth I'm here & driving myself crazy trying to figure it all out?

Well, as best as I can figure it, I still have some things to work through, some issues that I'm struggling with BUT hey, that's ok, too because God knows & He cares & think about it... What if our lives were perfect & we didn't' have any things to question or muddle through... What would be the fun of that...??? Maybe that's all part of why we're all on earth in the first place...to sort it all out, here & now, before we get to the final level. I hate using those old cliches but I can't resist (sorry!), "Rome wasn't built in a day" & well, maybe that's all a part of our purpose being here -- just trying to figure out who we are in the eyes of God, discovering our uniqueness, our beauty -- discovering that hey, we really were MEANT TO BE...! and we're definitely NO accident! Yes! Maybe that's what it's all about...