Reflections by AquaLady

"Little children, believe, pray and love, and God will be near you. He will give you the gift of all the graces you seek from Him. I am a gift to you, because, from day to day, God permits me to be with you and to love each of you with immeasurable love. Therefore, little children, in prayer and humility, open your hearts and be witnesses of my presence. Thank you for having responded to my call." Message of October 25, 2005

This is the latest message that the Blessed Mother gave at Medjugorie. Mary is still appearing there since 1981. What does that mean...open your hearts? How do I know if my heart is or isn't opened to receive Jesus? What must I do...and how do I become a witness to Mary's presence?

I have always wanted to visit Medjugorie ever since I heard about these appearances. A friend of mine goes almost every year. I just have to make it happen. Maybe next trip...I'll be on that plane with her. I just have to make it happen.

Will there be more tests...? Who knows! but anyway, my appointment is set for Wed., Nov. 2nd at 9:45 am & hopefully then, we'll have more answers to this on-going mystery of whatever this thing is that's lurking around inside my neck.

Last week I wanted to scream; this week I want to cry but there just aren't any tears to come out. So I sit empty, and yet not so...like a volcano with all this molten lava churning deep within. I don't know when or where or even if I'll erupt. Maybe I'll just lie dormant forever. Who knows!

The waiting is the hardest part. I just want to get this over with & move on... Why oh why did I ever pray for the gift of patience???

There's just too much to do. I'm swamped with stuff at work & I can't ever seem to get caught up. But what I have to realize is...its that kind of job. There's a constant flow of work to do. Its not like anything I've ever experienced. I just have to learn how to pace myself & to set priorities. I also have to teach myself not to get so stressed out over it. I can only do so much in a day, face it. What I don't get done has to wait until the next day or I'm going to burn out. Please don't misunderstand...I really, really like my job, a lot!!! and this is just the kind of job I've always wanted. I just have to learn how to take care of myself.

God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change...

I feel so powerless. There are a whole bunch of things going on in my life right now that I simply have no control over - health... family... work.... home... life in general. I think I've remained fairly calm thus far but let me tell you, there are days when I just feel like screaming. I can't explain it. God, help us all... AMEN.

Oct. 16th was our 29th wedding anniversary. I guess at this point I should know better than to expect a BIG surprise but I still do anyway. I guess I just can't help it. When I suspected that it wasn't going to come my way, rather than sulk, I went shopping & decided to create my own joy. It took me forever...but I finally found a card & some gifts that I thought we could both share. I know its not the gift that matters but I just wanted to give us (me)something to remember this day.

If you were to ask me what I think keeps us together, I'd have to say faith, beliving in a POWER greater than ourselves. Yes, GOD is definitely the glue that binds us together. Without faith, I don't know how couples can possibly survive.

We later went to a viewing for a friend of ours who has passed away.

Mike is having an awesome soccer season. He scored another goal during Saturday's game against EJ (4-0) & to make matters even more exciting, the Mustangs won the Tri-Valley League championship at their Homecoming celebration. What's so great is that this is the last year that this team will ever play in this division. Next year they go to a different level.

Way to go Mike!! Way to Go Mustangs!!!

I probably won't ever be able to understand why...but hubby finally agreed to go with me to see a play on Friday night. It was a comedy, which made it a lot more enjoyable but it did seem a bit stuffy in there.

Afterwards we went to where else but the grocery store (ah, its nice when they're open late hours).

They don't seem to know for certain what this mass of tissue is...so, the next step is to meet with a surgeon. Maybe we just need to go in there & take a look.

Patience...! All answers in due time.

What the heck is a submucosal mass anyway? According to the esophagogastroduodenoscopy report (EDG)it appears as though I have some extra tissue somewhere in or around my throat area but they still don't know what it is exactly & so...more tests. They also found an ulcer in my stomach.

I also had an MRI test yesterday. I am definitely NOT claustrophic & I can keep from swallowing for almost 2 minutes.